14.2 因為毋知危險 teh 歡喜

14.2 In-ūi m̄-chai hûi-hiám teh hoaⁿ-hí

Chit-àm ū sǹg bē-chheng ê su-sióng sio-cheⁿ kheh-kòe góa ê thâu-khak hām kì-tî. Góa kō͘ sok-iáⁿ hôe-kò͘ góa ê it-seng, it-ti̍t kàu góa lâi-kàu chit-ê tó. Tī góa ùi lâi-kàu chit-ê tó ê chōng-hóng ê hoán-séng tiong-kan, góa pí-kàu khí-chho͘ kúi-nî ê hēng-hok seng-oa̍h hām tī soa-po͘ khòaⁿ tio̍h kha-ìn í-lâi ê kín-tiuⁿ, kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ, hām tam-iu. M̄-sī góa bô siong-sìn chheⁿ-hoan it-ti̍t ū lâi chit-ê tó kiâⁿ-ta̍h, ū-sî sīm-chì kúi-pah lâng chiūⁿ-hōaⁿ. Sī í-chá góa lóng m̄-chai che, m̄-chai thang tio̍h-kiaⁿ. Hit-sî góa ê boán-ì pah-hun-pah, sui-bóng hûi-hiám kāng-khoán, góa in-ūi m̄-chai hûi-hiám teh hoaⁿ-hí, bē-su góa bô chin-chiàⁿ ū hûi-hiám. 

Che hō͘ góa ê su-sióng tit-tio̍h chin hó ê hoán-séng, iû-kî sī chit-tiám: Thiⁿ-ì siān-liông bû-hān, tī tùi jîn-lūi ê koán-lí tiong-kan, kan-ta hō͘ lâng iú-hān ê gán-kong hām tì-sek. Kiâⁿ tī chhian-bān hûi-hiám tiong-kan, jû-kó i hoat-hiān hûi-hiám, tiāⁿ-tio̍h hō͘ i hun-sim, hō͘ i sit-chì. Chiah-ê hûi-hiám nā hō͘ i khòaⁿ bē-tio̍h, m̄-chai chiu-ûi ê hûi-hiám, i tō pó-chhî an-lêng koh pêng-chēng.

Siūⁿ chiah-ê siūⁿ-hoat chi̍t-tōaⁿ sî-kan liáu-āu, góa khai-sí jīn-chin hoán-séng góa tī chit-ê tó chiah chē nî í-lâi ê chin-chiàⁿ hûi-hiám, hām hit-sî góa sī án-chóaⁿ bô jīm-hô an-choân kò͘-lī sì-kè kiâⁿ, kòe an-lêng ê seng-oa̍h. Hoān-sè hit-sî sī in-ūi chi̍t-ê soaⁿ-niá, chi̍t-châng tōa chhiū, a̍h tú-hó àm-mê kàng-lîm, chiah kā góa hām siōng hûi-hiám ê chōng-hóng keh-khui -- its góa ū khó-lêng lo̍h-ji̍p chia̍h-lâng-cho̍k a̍h chheⁿ-hoan ê chhiú, in ē lia̍h góa, ná-chhiūⁿ góa lia̍h soaⁿ-iûⁿ a̍h hái-ku, in thâi góa, chia̍h góa, bô jīn-ûi sī chōe-kò, tō ná-chhiūⁿ góa chia̍h hún-chiáu a̍h thô͘-lâng kau-á (塗礱鈎仔, curlew [chi̍t-chióng hái-chiáu]). Nā kóng góa bô chin-sim kám-siā góa ê úi-tāi Kiù-chú, che sī bô kong-chèng ê chū-ngó͘ húi-pòng; góa khiam-pi sêng-jīn i ê chhut-sek pó-hō͘, lóng sī in-ūi chiah-ê bû-hêng ê kái-kiù, góa chiah ē-tit bián lak-lo̍h in bô-chêng ê chhiú. 

Chiah-ê siūⁿ-hoat liáu-āu, góa ê thâu-khak ū chi̍t-tōaⁿ sî-kan teh su-khó hiah-ê cheng-seⁿ, its chheⁿ-hoan, ê thian-sèng. Góa siūⁿ, sī án-chóaⁿ chú-chái bān-mi̍h ê Sîn, iông-ún ka-tī chhòng-chō ê seng-bu̍t, tūi-lo̍h kàu chit-chióng bô jîn-sèng ê tē-pō͘ -- sīm-chì pí chân-jím koh-khah hā-liû -- chia̍h ka-tī ê tông-lūi. M̄-koh, in-ūi (hit-sî) sa bô kiat-kó, góa koh siūⁿ-tio̍h lēng-gōa chi̍t-ê būn-tê: chiah-ê cheng-seⁿ tàu-té tòa tī sè-kài ê tó-ūi ah? ùi in lâi hia, in lī hái-hōaⁿ gōa hn̄g ah? in lī chhù hiah hn̄g mō͘-hiám ūi tio̍h siáⁿ? in ū siáⁿ-khoán ê chûn? kì-jiân in lâi góa chia, góa ná-m̄ siūⁿ hoat-tō͘ khì in hia?

Góa m̄-bat siūⁿ-kòe, góa nā khì hia, góa boeh án-chóaⁿ chò. Góa nā lak-lo̍h chheⁿ-hoan ê chhiú, ē án-chóaⁿ? In nā kong-kek góa, góa boeh án-chóaⁿ tô-cháu? M̄-nā che, góa koh-khah bô khó-lī tio̍h, góa ná ū khó-lêng kàu hái-hōaⁿ, bē hō͘ in kong-kek, koh bô jīm-hô tit-kiù ê khó-lêng? Ká-sú góa bô lak-lo̍h in ê chhiú, góa boeh án-chóaⁿ kò͘ pak-tó͘? tio̍h óng tó-ūi khì? Láu-si̍t kóng, chiah-ê lóng bô chhut-hiān tī góa ê thâu-khak. Hit-sî góa ê sim-su kan-ta sī siūⁿ-boeh chē chûn kàu tùi-bīn ê tāi-lio̍k khì.

Góa jīn-ûi, góa bo̍k-chêng ê chōng-hóng sī chòe tē-it pi-chhám. Tî-liáu sí-bông, góa bô pí che koh-khah bái ê. Góa nā kàu tāi-lio̍k, góa ū khó-lêng tit-tio̍h kái-kiù, a̍h-sī, chhiūⁿ téng-kòe tī Afrika hái-hōaⁿ án-ne, iân hái-hōaⁿ hâng-hêng, it-ti̍t kàu ū lâng tòa ê só͘-chāi, tī hia khó-lêng ē-tàng tit-kiù. Chóng-sī, hoān-sè góa ē tú-tio̍h Kitok-kàu ê chûn, hō͘ in kiù-khí. Siōng-bái ê kiat-kó, put-kò sī sí, án-ne mā hō͘ góa liáu-kiat it-chhè chiah-ê khó͘-lān.

Chhiáⁿ chù-ì, che it-chhè lóng sī góa sim bē-tiāⁿ, kín sèng-tē ê kiat-kó, sī in-ūi tn̂g-kî chhau-hoân hām tùi phòa-chûn tú-tio̍h ê sit-bōng só͘ chō-sêng ê sit-chì. Goân-pún góa kî-thāi chûn-téng ū chi̍t/nn̄g ê oa̍h-lâng -- ū-lâng thang kau-tâm, ùi in thang chai góa chia sī tó-ūi, ū siáⁿ khó-lêng tit-kiù ê hoat-tō͘. Chiah-ê siūⁿ-hoat hō͘ góa kui-ê loān chhau-chhau. Góa goân-pún ê pêng-chēng sim-chêng, tùi Thiⁿ-ì ê sūn-chiông, tùi Thiⁿ-kong an-pâi ê tán-thāi, lóng thêng-chí ah. Góa bô hoat-tō͘ khòng-chè ka-tī ê su-sióng, kan-ta siūⁿ boeh án-chóaⁿ hâng-hêng hiòng tāi-lio̍k. Chit-chióng siūⁿ-hoat lú lâi lú kiông, io̍k-bōng lú pek-chhiat, hō͘ góa bô hoat-tō͘ té-khòng.

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14.2 因為毋知危險 teh 歡喜

這暗有算袂清 ê 思想相爭 kheh 過我 ê 頭殼 hām 記持. 我 kō͘ 縮影回顧我 ê 一生, 一直到我來到這个島. Tī 我 ùi 來到這个島 ê 狀況 ê 反省中間, 我比較起初幾年 ê 幸福生活 hām tī 沙埔看著跤印以來 ê 緊張, 驚惶, hām 擔憂. 毋是我無相信生番一直有來這个島行踏, 有時甚至幾百人上岸. 是以早我 lóng 毋知這, 毋知 thang 著驚. 彼時我 ê 滿意百分百, 雖罔危險仝款, 我因為毋知危險 teh 歡喜, 袂輸我無真正有危險. 

這予我 ê 思想得著真好 ê 反省, 尤其是這點: 天意善良無限, tī 對人類 ê 管理中間, 干焦予人有限 ê 眼光 hām 智識. 行 tī 千萬危險中間, 如果伊發現危險, 定著予伊分心, 予伊失志. Chiah-ê 危險若予伊看袂著, 毋知周圍 ê 危險, 伊 tō 保持安寧 koh 平靜.

想 chiah-ê 想法一段時間了後, 我開始認真反省我 tī 這个島 chiah 濟年以來 ê 真正危險, hām 彼時我是按怎無任何安全顧慮四界行, 過安寧 ê 生活. 凡勢彼時是因為一个山嶺, 一叢大樹, a̍h 拄好暗暝降臨, 才 kā 我 hām 上危險 ê 狀況隔開 -- its 我有可能落入食人族 a̍h 生番 ê 手, in 會掠我, ná 像我掠山羊 a̍h 海龜, in 刣我, 食我, 無認為是罪過, tō ná 像我食粉鳥 a̍h thô͘-lâng kau-á (塗礱鈎仔, curlew [一種海鳥]). 若講我無真心感謝我 ê 偉大救主, 這是無公正 ê 自我誹謗; 我謙卑承認伊 ê 出色保護, lóng 是因為 chiah-ê 無形 ê 解救, 我才會得免 lak 落 in 無情 ê 手. 

Chiah-ê 想法了後, 我 ê 頭殼有一段時間 teh 思考 hiah-ê 精牲, its 生番, ê 天性. 我想, 是按怎主宰萬物 ê 神, 容允家己創造 ê 生物, 墮落到這種無人性 ê 地步 -- 甚至比殘忍閣較下流 -- 食家己 ê 同類. M̄-koh, 因為 (彼時) 捎無結果, 我 koh 想著另外一个問題: chiah-ê 精牲到底蹛 tī 世界 ê 佗位 ah? ùi in 來 hia, in 離海岸偌遠 ah? in 離厝 hiah 遠冒險為著啥? in 有啥款 ê 船? 既然 in 來我 chia, 我那 m̄ 想法度去 in hia?

我 m̄-bat 想過, 我若去 hia, 我欲按怎做. 我若 lak 落生番 ê 手, 會按怎? In 若攻擊我, 我欲按怎逃走? 毋但這, 我閣較無考慮著, 我那有可能到海岸, 袂予 in 攻擊, koh 無任何得救 ê 可能? 假使我無 lak 落 in ê 手, 我欲按怎顧腹肚? 著往佗位去? 老實講, chiah-ê lóng 無出現 tī 我 ê 頭殼. 彼時我 ê 心思干焦是想欲坐船到對面 ê 大陸去.

我認為, 我目前 ê 狀況是最第一悲慘. 除了死亡, 我無比這閣較䆀 ê. 我若到大陸, 我有可能得著解救, a̍h 是, 像頂過 tī Afrika 海岸 án-ne, 沿海岸航行, 一直到有人蹛 ê 所在, tī hia 可能會當得救. 總是, 凡勢我會拄著 Kitok 教 ê 船, 予 in 救起. 上䆀 ê 結果, 不過是死, án-ne mā 予我了結一切 chiah-ê 苦難.

請注意, che 一切 lóng 是我心袂定, 緊性地 ê 結果, 是因為長期操煩 hām 對破船拄著 ê 失望所造成 ê 失志. 原本我期待船頂有一兩个活人 -- 有人 thang 交談, ùi in thang 知我 chia 是佗位, 有啥可能得救 ê 法度. Chiah-ê 想法予我規个亂操操. 我原本 ê 平靜心情, 對天意 ê 順從, 對天公安排 ê 等待, lóng 停止 ah. 我無法度控制家己 ê 思想, 干焦想欲按怎航行向大陸. 這種想法 lú 來 lú 強, 慾望 lú 迫切, 予我無法度抵抗.

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14.2

It is impossible to set down the innumerable crowd of thoughts that whirled through that great thoroughfare of the brain, the memory, in this night’s time. I ran over the whole history of my life in miniature, or by abridgment, as I may call it, to my coming to this island, and also of that part of my life since I came to this island. In my reflections upon the state of my case since I came on shore on this island, I was comparing the happy posture of my affairs in the first years of my habitation here, with the life of anxiety, fear, and care which I had lived in ever since I had seen the print of a foot in the sand. Not that I did not believe the savages had frequented the island even all the while, and might have been several hundreds of them at times on shore there; but I had never known it, and was incapable of any apprehensions about it; my satisfaction was perfect, though my danger was the same, and I was as happy in not knowing my danger as if I had never really been exposed to it. /

This furnished my thoughts with many very profitable reflections, and particularly this one: How infinitely good that Providence is, which has provided, in its government of mankind, such narrow bounds to his sight and knowledge of things; and though he walks in the midst of so many thousand dangers, the sight of which, if discovered to him, would distract his mind and sink his spirits, he is kept serene and calm, by having the events of things hid from his eyes, and knowing nothing of the dangers which surround him.

After these thoughts had for some time entertained me, I came to reflect seriously upon the real danger I had been in for so many years in this very island, and how I had walked about in the greatest security, and with all possible tranquillity, even when perhaps nothing but the brow of a hill, a great tree, or the casual approach of night, had been between me and the worst kind of destruction—viz. that of falling into the hands of cannibals and savages, who would have seized on me with the same view as I would on a goat or turtle; and have thought it no more crime to kill and devour me than I did of a pigeon or a curlew. I would unjustly slander myself if I should say I was not sincerely thankful to my great Preserver, to whose singular protection I acknowledged, with great humanity, all these unknown deliverances were due, and without which I must inevitably have fallen into their merciless hands.

When these thoughts were over, my head was for some time taken up in considering the nature of these wretched creatures, I mean the savages, and how it came to pass in the world that the wise Governor of all things should give up any of His creatures to such inhumanity—nay, to something so much below even brutality itself—as to devour its own kind: but as this ended in some (at that time) fruitless speculations, it occurred to me to inquire what part of the world these wretches lived in? how far off the coast was from whence they came? what they ventured over so far from home for? what kind of boats they had? and why I might not order myself and my business so that I might be able to go over thither, as they were to come to me?

I never so much as troubled myself to consider what I should do with myself when I went thither; what would become of me if I fell into the hands of these savages; or how I should escape them if they attacked me; no, nor so much as how it was possible for me to reach the coast, and not to be attacked by some or other of them, without any possibility of delivering myself; and if I should not fall into their hands, what I should do for provision, or whither I should bend my course; none of these thoughts, I say, so much as came in my way; but my mind was wholly bent upon the notion of my passing over in my boat to the mainland. /

I looked upon my present condition as the most miserable that could possibly be; that I was not able to throw myself into anything but death, that could be called worse; and if I reached the shore of the main I might perhaps meet with relief, or I might coast along, as I did on the African shore, till I came to some inhabited country, and where I might find some relief; and after all, perhaps I might fall in with some Christian ship that might take me in: and if the worst came to the worst, I could but die, which would put an end to all these miseries at once. /

Pray note, all this was the fruit of a disturbed mind, an impatient temper, made desperate, as it were, by the long continuance of my troubles, and the disappointments I had met in the wreck I had been on board of, and where I had been so near obtaining what I so earnestly longed for—somebody to speak to, and to learn some knowledge from them of the place where I was, and of the probable means of my deliverance. I was agitated wholly by these thoughts; all my calm of mind, in my resignation to Providence, and waiting the issue of the dispositions of Heaven, seemed to be suspended; and I had as it were no power to turn my thoughts to anything but to the project of a voyage to the main, which came upon me with such force, and such an impetuosity of desire, that it was not to be resisted.

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