12.5 Góa bô eng-kai chhap in ê tāi-chì
Chiah-ê khó-lī, khak-si̍t, hō͘ góa chiām-thêng kè-ōe, sīm-chì choân-bīn thêng-chí. Góa khai-sí chiām-chiām hòng-khì chit-ê kè-ōe, in-ūi góa kám-kak góa chò-chhut kong-kek chheⁿ-hoan ê koat-tēng sī chhò-gō͘. In nā bô tāi-seng kong-kek góa, góa bô eng-kai chhap in ê tāi-chì. Góa eng-kai chò ê sī, chīn-liōng hông-chí in kong-kek góa. M̄-koh, siōng-bô taⁿ góa chai-iáⁿ, it-tàn hō͘ in hoat-hiān koh siū in kong-kek, góa eng-kai án-chóaⁿ chò.
Lēng hong-bīn, góa chū-ngó͘ kiám-thó, án-ne bô hoat-tō͘ kái-kiù ka-tī, tian-tò ē oân-choân phò-hāi, húi-bia̍t ka-tī. In-ūi, tî-hui góa ū choa̍t-tùi pá-ak, thâi-sí hit-sî chiūⁿ-hōaⁿ ê múi chi̍t-ê lâng, koh thâi-sí í-āu chiūⁿ-hōaⁿ ê múi chi̍t-ê lâng; nā-bô, chí-iàu ū chi̍t-ê cháu tńg in hia, kā tāi-chì pò hō͘ hia ê lâng chai, in tō ē kúi-chheng, kúi-bān lâng kòe-lâi pò-siû, án-ne góa tek-khak ē bô miā; m̄-koh, chit-chūn góa pēng bô chit-chióng hûi-hiám.
Chóng-kóng, góa ê kiat-lūn sī, m̄-koán sī goân-chek a̍h chèng-chhek, góa lóng bô eng-kai kā ka-tī khan-sia̍p tī chit-kiāⁿ sū. Góa ê iàu-bū sī, chīn-liōng kō͘ kok-chióng chhiú-tōaⁿ am-khàm ka-tī, mài hō͘ in hoat-kiàn, mài lâu jīm-hô hûn-jiah, hō͘ in hoâi-gî tó-siōng ū tòa jīm-hô tōng-bu̍t -- its ū tòa lâng. Chit-ê kín-sīn koat-tēng ū siū chong-kàu ê éng-hióng. Taⁿ góa khak-sìn, tī góa chè-tēng lâu-hoeh lâu-tih ê kè-ōe boeh húi-bia̍t hiah-ê bû-ko͘ seng-bu̍t ê sî, che sī ûi-hoán góa ê chit-chek -- in-ūi, tùi góa lâi kóng, in sī bû-ko͘ ê. Iú-koan in ho͘-siong tiong-kan só͘ hoān ê chōe-kò, che hām góa oân-choân bô koan-hē. In kui-cho̍k án-ne chò, góa tio̍h kā he lâu hō͘ Sîn khì sím-phòaⁿ, in-ūi Sîn sī bān-cho̍k ê koán-lí chiá, chai-iáⁿ án-chóaⁿ kō͘ kui-cho̍k ê chhú-hoa̍t hō͘ kui-cho̍k ê chōe-hêng tit-tio̍h kong-chèng ê pò-èng, kō͘ I móa-ì ê hong-sek kong-khai sím-phòaⁿ chiah-ê kong-khai ê hoān-chōe.
Taⁿ, che tùi góa chin chheng-chhó, góa kám-kak ū-kàu boán-ì, in-ūi góa bô khì chò chit-chân taⁿ góa jīn-ûi nā khì chò tō bē khah-su kò͘-ì bô͘-sat ê hoān-chōe. Góa kūi-lo̍h, tùi Sîn piáu-sī siōng khiam-pi ê kám-siā, in-ūi I kái-kiù góa bô hoān hit-chióng lâu-hoeh ê chōe-kò, khún-kiû I pó-pì góa, mài lak-lo̍h chheⁿ-hoan ê chhiú, koh hông-chí góa siong-hāi in, tî-hui tit-tio̍h Thiⁿ-kong ê bêng-khak chí-sī, ūi-tio̍h pó-hō͘ ka-tī góa tio̍h án-ne chò.
Tī chit-chióng sim-chêng, góa kè-sio̍k koh kòe chiong-kīn chi̍t-nî. Góa bô hi-bāng tú-tio̍h chiah-ê hoan-á, tō m̄-bat koh chiūⁿ-soaⁿ koan-chhat in ê hêng-chong, mā bē siūⁿ boeh chai in kám ū-lâng chiūⁿ-hōaⁿ, bián-tit góa jím-put-chū koh thê-chhut tùi-hù in ê kè-bô͘, a̍h hō͘ jīm-hô kong-kek in ê hó sî-ki só͘ kek-tōng. Góa kan-ta chò chi̍t-hāng: góa khì kā khǹg tī tó iáu chi̍t-pêng ê chûn sóa lâi tó ê tang-pêng, kā sái kàu chi̍t-ê tī koân-koân chio̍h-thâu ē-bīn ê sió-oan, chiū he chúi-lâu lâi khòaⁿ, góa chai hoan-á án-chóaⁿ mā m̄-káⁿ, siōng-bô sī bô ì-goān, kò sió-chûn ji̍p-lâi chia.
Góa kā lâu tī hia sio̍k chûn ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ lóng chah cháu, in-ūi té-tô͘ hâng-hêng kàu hia iōng bē-tio̍h -- its i ê ûi-koaiⁿ hām chûn-phâng, hām chi̍t-ê tòng-chò tiāⁿ sú-iōng, m̄-koh bô sêng tiāⁿ a̍h jiáu-kau (grapnel) ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, put-kò sī góa phah-piàⁿ ka-kang ê. Chiah-ê góa lóng chah-cháu, bô lâu chi̍t-sut-á iáⁿ-jiah a̍h chûn ê hêng-chōng hông hoat-hiān, hông chai tó-siōng ū tòa lâng.
Lēng-gōa, góa bat kóng-kòe, góa chīn-liōng kiu tī chhù, tî-liáu ji̍t-siông ê khang-khòe, chhin-chhiūⁿ jek iûⁿ-leng, hām chiàu-kò͘ tī chhiū-nâ ê iûⁿ-kûn, góa chin chió chhut-mn̂g. Iûⁿ-kûn in-ūi sī tī tó ê iáu chi̍t-pêng, só͘-í bô siáⁿ hûi-hiám. Ē-tàng khak-tēng ê sī, chiah-ê ū-sî chiūⁿ-hōaⁿ ê chheⁿ-hoan, chiông-lâi m̄-bat siūⁿ boeh hoat-hiān mi̍h-kiāⁿ, só͘-í m̄-bat lī-khui hái-hōaⁿ. Góa bē hoâi-gî, chū-chiông góa hō͘ in kiaⁿ-tio̍h, tùi in thê-hông í-lâi, in khó-lêng chiàu-siông ū koh chiūⁿ-hōaⁿ kúi-ā pái.
Khak-si̍t, hoan-thâu koh siūⁿ, tong-chho͘ góa nā tn̄g-tio̍h in, tī chá-chêng hō͘ in hoat-hiān, góa ē án-chóaⁿ, che chiâⁿ khióng-pò͘. Hit-sî, góa thǹg pak-theh, bô bú-chong, kan-ta chah chi̍t-ki chhèng, chng sè-lia̍p chhèng-chí, sì-kè kiâⁿ, tī tó siōng chia khòaⁿ hia khòaⁿ, chhōe mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Hit-sî góa ē gōa-nī tio̍h-kiaⁿ ah, ká-sú góa m̄-sī hoat-hiān chi̍t-ê lâng kha-ìn, sī khòaⁿ tio̍h cha̍p-gō͘ a̍h jī-cha̍p ê chheⁿ-hoan, kong hiòng góa, kín kah góa bô hoat-tō͘ cháu lī-khui!
Siūⁿ tio̍h che, ū-sî hō͘ góa lêng-hûn hā-tîm, sim-chêng ut-chut, kú-kú bē-tit hôe-ho̍k. Góa bô hoat-tō͘ su-khó tio̍h án-chóaⁿ chò, in-ūi góa m̄-nā bô hoat-tō͘ té-khòng, mā bô tìn-chēng ê sim-chêng chò hoán-èng. Koh-khah bián kóng chhiūⁿ taⁿ án-ne, in-ūi keng-kòe chē-chē su-khó hām chún-pī, chò chhut góa só͘ ē-tàng chò ê. Khak-si̍t, jīn-chin su-khó chiah-ê tāi-chì liáu-āu, góa chóng-sī kám-kak ut-chut, ū-sî ûi-chhî kú-kú ê sî-kan. M̄-koh, chòe-āu góa chóng-sī kā che hòa chò tùi Thiⁿ-ì ê kám-siā, he kā góa ùi chē-chē hûi-hiám kái-kiù, hō͘ góa lī-khui góa ka-tī bô hoat-tō͘ siám-khui ê chai-lān, in-ūi góa oân-choân bô khó-lêng ī-kiàn, mā oân-choân bô siūⁿ-tio̍h ē ū chit-chióng chai-lān.
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12.5 我無應該 chhap in ê 代誌
Chiah-ê 考慮, 確實, 予我暫停計畫, 甚至全面停止. 我開始漸漸放棄這个計畫, 因為我感覺我做出攻擊生番 ê 決定是錯誤. In 若無代先攻擊我, 我無應該 chhap in ê 代誌. 我應該做 ê 是, 盡量防止 in 攻擊我. 毋過, 上無今我知影, 一旦予 in 發現 koh 受 in 攻擊, 我應該按怎做.
另方面, 我自我檢討, án-ne 無法度解救家己, 顛倒會完全破壞, 毀滅家己. 因為, 除非我有絕對把握, 刣死彼時上岸 ê 每一个人, koh 刣死以後上岸 ê 每一个人; 若無, 只要有一个走轉 in hia, kā 代誌報予 hia ê 人知, in tō 會幾千, 幾萬人過來報仇, án-ne 我的確會無命; 毋過, 這陣我並無這種危險.
總講, 我 ê 結論是, 毋管是原則 a̍h 政策, 我 lóng 無應該 kā 家己牽涉 tī 這件事. 我 ê 要務是, 盡量 kō͘ 各種手段掩崁家己, 莫予 in 發見, 莫留任何痕跡, 予 in 懷疑島上有蹛任何動物 -- its 有蹛人. 這个謹慎決定有受宗教 ê 影響. 今我確信, tī 我制定流血流滴 ê 計畫欲毀滅 hiah-ê 無辜生物 ê 時, 這是違反我 ê 職責 -- 因為, 對我來講, in 是無辜 ê. 有關 in 互相中間所犯 ê 罪過, 這和我完全無關係. In 規族 án-ne 做, 我著 kā he 留予神去審判, 因為神是萬族 ê 管理者, 知影按怎 kō͘ 規族 ê 處罰予規族 ê 罪行得著公正 ê 報應, kō͘ 伊滿意 ê 方式公開審判 chiah-ê 公開 ê 犯罪.
今, 這對我真清楚, 我感覺有夠滿意, 因為我無去做這層今我認為若去做 tō 袂較輸故意謀殺 ê 犯罪. 我跪落, 對神表示上謙卑 ê 感謝, 因為伊解救我無犯彼種流血 ê 罪過, 懇求伊保庇我, 莫 lak 落生番 ê 手, koh 防止我傷害 in, 除非得著天公 ê 明確指示, 為著保護家己我著 án-ne 做.
Tī 這種心情, 我繼續 koh 過將近一年. 我無希望拄著 chiah-ê 番仔, tō 毋捌 koh 上山觀察 in ê 行蹤, mā 袂想欲知 in 敢有人上岸, 免得我忍不住 koh 提出對付 in ê 計謀, a̍h 予任何攻擊 in ê 好時機所激動. 我干焦做一項: 我去 kā 囥 tī 島猶一爿 ê 船徙來島 ê 東爿, kā 駛到一个 tī 懸懸石頭下面 ê 小灣, 就 he 水流來看, 我知番仔按怎 mā 毋敢, 上無是無意願, 划小船入來 chia.
我 kā 留 tī hia 屬船 ê 物件 lóng 扎走, 因為短途航行到 hia 用袂著 -- its 伊 ê 桅杆和船帆, 和一个當做碇使用, 毋過無成碇 a̍h 爪鉤 (grapnel) ê 物件, 不過是我拍拚加工 ê. Chiah-ê 我 lóng 扎走, 無留一屑仔影跡 a̍h 船 ê 形狀 hông 發現, hông 知島上有蹛人.
另外, 我 bat 講過, 我盡量勼 tī 厝, 除了日常 ê 工課, 親像 jek 羊奶, 和照顧 tī 樹林 ê 羊群, 我真少出門. 羊群因為是 tī 島 ê 猶一爿, 所以無啥危險. 會當確定 ê 是, chiah-ê 有時上岸 ê 生番, 從來毋捌想欲發現物件, 所以毋捌離開海岸. 我袂懷疑, 自從我予 in 驚著, 對 in 提防以來, in 可能照常有 koh 上岸幾若擺.
確實, 翻頭 koh 想, 當初我若搪著 in, tī 早前予 in 發現, 我會按怎, 這誠恐怖. 彼時, 我褪腹裼, 無武裝, 干焦扎一支銃, 裝細粒銃子, 四界行, tī 島上 chia 看 hia 看, 揣物件. 彼時我會 gōa-nī 著驚 ah, 假使我毋是發現一个人跤印, 是看著十五 a̍h 二十个生番, 攻向我, 緊 kah 我無法度走離開!
想著這, 有時予我靈魂下沉, 心情鬱卒, 久久袂得回復. 我無法度思考著按怎做, 因為我毋但無法度抵抗, mā 無鎮靜 ê 心情做反應. 閣較免講像今 án-ne, 因為經過濟濟思考和準備, 做出我所會當做 ê. 確實, 認真思考 chiah-ê 代誌了後, 我總是感覺鬱卒, 有時維持久久 ê 時間. M̄-koh, 最後我總是 kā 這化做對天意 ê 感謝, he kā 我 ùi 濟濟危險解救, 予我離開我家己無法度閃開 ê 災難, 因為我完全無可能預見, mā 完全無想著會有這種災難.
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12.5
These considerations really put me to a pause, and to a kind of a full stop; and I began by little and little to be off my design, and to conclude I had taken wrong measures in my resolution to attack the savages; and that it was not my business to meddle with them, unless they first attacked me; and this it was my business, if possible, to prevent: but that, if I were discovered and attacked by them, I knew my duty. /
On the other hand, I argued with myself that this really was the way not to deliver myself, but entirely to ruin and destroy myself; for unless I was sure to kill every one that not only should be on shore at that time, but that should ever come on shore afterwards, if but one of them escaped to tell their country-people what had happened, they would come over again by thousands to revenge the death of their fellows, and I should only bring upon myself a certain destruction, which, at present, I had no manner of occasion for. /
Upon the whole, I concluded that I ought, neither in principle nor in policy, one way or other, to concern myself in this affair: that my business was, by all possible means to conceal myself from them, and not to leave the least sign for them to guess by that there were any living creatures upon the island—I mean of human shape. Religion joined in with this prudential resolution; and I was convinced now, many ways, that I was perfectly out of my duty when I was laying all my bloody schemes for the destruction of innocent creatures—I mean innocent as to me. As to the crimes they were guilty of towards one another, I had nothing to do with them; they were national, and I ought to leave them to the justice of God, who is the Governor of nations, and knows how, by national punishments, to make a just retribution for national offences, and to bring public judgments upon those who offend in a public manner, by such ways as best please Him. /
This appeared so clear to me now, that nothing was a greater satisfaction to me than that I had not been suffered to do a thing which I now saw so much reason to believe would have been no less a sin than that of wilful murder if I had committed it; and I gave most humble thanks on my knees to God, that He had thus delivered me from blood-guiltiness; beseeching Him to grant me the protection of His providence, that I might not fall into the hands of the barbarians, or that I might not lay my hands upon them, unless I had a more clear call from Heaven to do it, in defence of my own life.
In this disposition I continued for near a year after this; and so far was I from desiring an occasion for falling upon these wretches, that in all that time I never once went up the hill to see whether there were any of them in sight, or to know whether any of them had been on shore there or not, that I might not be tempted to renew any of my contrivances against them, or be provoked by any advantage that might present itself to fall upon them; only this I did: I went and removed my boat, which I had on the other side of the island, and carried it down to the east end of the whole island, where I ran it into a little cove, which I found under some high rocks, and where I knew, by reason of the currents, the savages durst not, at least would not, come with their boats upon any account whatever. /
With my boat I carried away everything that I had left there belonging to her, though not necessary for the bare going thither—viz. a mast and sail which I had made for her, and a thing like an anchor, but which, indeed, could not be called either anchor or grapnel; however, it was the best I could make of its kind: all these I removed, that there might not be the least shadow for discovery, or appearance of any boat, or of any human habitation upon the island. /
Besides this, I kept myself, as I said, more retired than ever, and seldom went from my cell except upon my constant employment, to milk my she-goats, and manage my little flock in the wood, which, as it was quite on the other part of the island, was out of danger; for certain, it is that these savage people, who sometimes haunted this island, never came with any thoughts of finding anything here, and consequently never wandered off from the coast, and I doubt not but they might have been several times on shore after my apprehensions of them had made me cautious, as well as before. /
Indeed, I looked back with some horror upon the thoughts of what my condition would have been if I had chopped upon them and been discovered before that; when, naked and unarmed, except with one gun, and that loaded often only with small shot, I walked everywhere, peeping and peering about the island, to see what I could get; what a surprise should I have been in if, when I discovered the print of a man’s foot, I had, instead of that, seen fifteen or twenty savages, and found them pursuing me, and by the swiftness of their running no possibility of my escaping them! /
The thoughts of this sometimes sank my very soul within me, and distressed my mind so much that I could not soon recover it, to think what I should have done, and how I should not only have been unable to resist them, but even should not have had presence of mind enough to do what I might have done; much less what now, after so much consideration and preparation, I might be able to do. Indeed, after serious thinking of these things, I would be melancholy, and sometimes it would last a great while; but I resolved it all at last into thankfulness to that Providence which had delivered me from so many unseen dangers, and had kept me from those mischiefs which I could have no way been the agent in delivering myself from, because I had not the least notion of any such thing depending, or the least supposition of its being possible. /
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