11.5 Góa ê kha bô hiah tōa, chha bē-chió
Tī chiah-ê su-khó, kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ, hām hoán-séng tiong-kan, ū chi̍t-kang góa siūⁿ-tio̍h, it-chhè chiah-ê khó-lêng sī góa ka-tī ê hoàn-kak, hit-ê kha-ìn hoān-sè sī góa lo̍h-chûn chiūⁿ-hōaⁿ ê sî ka-tī ê kha-ìn. Che hō͘ góa sió-khóa khah khin-sang, tō khai-sí soeh-ho̍k ka-tī it-chhè sī góa ê hoàn-kak. He put-kò sī góa ka-tī ê kha-ìn, m̄-sī pa̍t-lâng ê. Kì-jiân góa ùi hia chiūⁿ-chûn, tong-jiân mā ū khó-lêng ùi hia lo̍h-chûn. Kāng-khoán, góa mā bô hoat-tō͘ khak-tēng tó-ūi góa ū ta̍h kòe, tó-ūi bô. Chòe-āu nā khak-si̍t che sī góa ka-tī ê kha-ìn, án-ne góa tō piàn-sêng kap hiah-ê gî-sîn gî-kúi ê gōng-tai kāng-khoán, heh lâi heh khì, heh tio̍h ka-tī.
Taⁿ góa khai-sí kā táⁿ lia̍h tiāⁿ, koh thàm hiòng gōa-kháu, in-ūi góa í-keng saⁿ-mê saⁿ-ji̍t bô chhut góa ê siâⁿ-pó, khai-sí teh iau bô thang chia̍h ah, chhù-lāi kan-ta chhun chi̍t-sut-á be̍h-á-piáⁿ hām chúi. Lēng-gōa, góa mā chai-iáⁿ, iûⁿ-bó mā su-iàu jek-leng, che it-hiòng sī boeh-àm chêng góa ê gī-niū. Kú bô jek-leng, khó-liân ê iûⁿ-bó tiùⁿ kah kan-khó͘, bē sóng-khoài. Khak-si̍t, che m̄-nā phah-sńg, mā hāi yin thêng leng.
Chū án-ne, góa kó͘-lē ka-tī, siong-sìn he put-kò sī góa ka-tī ê kha-ìn, sī góa hō͘ ka-tī ê iáⁿ heh tio̍h, góa khai-sí koh chhut-mn̂g, khì góa ê pia̍t-chong, khì jek iûⁿ-á leng. Khòaⁿ góa iân-lō͘ sim-kiaⁿ táⁿ-thiàu, put-sî oa̍t-thâu khòaⁿ, sûi-sî chún-pī pàng-lo̍h nâ-á tô-miā, jīm-hô lâng lóng ē siūⁿ-kóng, góa ê sim-lāi ū-kúi, a̍h sī chòe-kīn siū-tio̍h siōng khióng-pò͘ ê kiaⁿ-heh; che, góa khak-si̍t sī án-ne.
Put-jî-kò, ū nn̄g/saⁿ-kang góa khì hia, bô khòaⁿ tio̍h siáⁿ, góa khai-sí táⁿ khah chāi, tō siūⁿ-kóng khak-si̍t bô siáⁿ-hòe, put-kò sī góa ka-tī ê sióng-siōng. M̄-koh, góa bô hoat-tō͘ soeh-ho̍k ka-tī, tî-hui koh khì hái-hōaⁿ, khòaⁿ hit-ê kha-ìn, kō͘ góa ê kha kā niû, khòaⁿ sī m̄-sī ē ha̍h, án-ne chiah ē-tàng khak-tēng he sī góa ê kha. M̄-koh, tán góa lâi-kàu hit só͘-chāi, siú-sian góa hoat-hiān, hoa̍t-lo̍h hó góa ê chûn, góa bô khó-lêng tī hia chiūⁿ-hōaⁿ. Kî-chhù, tán góa kō͘ kha niû hit-ê kha-ìn, góa hoat-hiān, góa ê kha bô hiah tōa, chha bē-chió. Chit nn̄g-hāng tāi-chì hō͘ góa thâu-khak iū-koh o͘-pe̍h siūⁿ, koh hō͘ góa thâu-hîn ba̍k-àm, kui-sin phi̍h-phi̍h chùn ná tit-tio̍h kôaⁿ-jia̍t-á. Góa kín tńg-chhù, siong-sìn ū-lâng, hoān-sè put-chí chi̍t-ê, bat tī hia chiūⁿ-hōaⁿ. A̍h sī, kán-tan kóng, chit-ê tó ū lâng tòa, bōe chù-ì í-chêng, góa khó-lêng tō ē tú-tio̍h ì-gōa. Góa iáu m̄-chai tio̍h án-chóaⁿ pó-hō͘ ka-tī ê an-choân.
Oh, lâng tī kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ tang-tiong só͘ chò ê koat-tēng ū-kàu hàm-kó͘! He hō͘ in bô hoat-tō͘ sú-iōng lí-tì thê-kiong ê kiù-chè chhiú-tōaⁿ. Góa ê tē-it ê siūⁿ-hoat sī, thiah-tiāu ûi-chhiûⁿ, pàng-seⁿ góa ê thâu-seⁿ-á ji̍p chhiū-nâ, bián-tit te̍k-jîn hoat-hiān in, jiân-āu put-sî lâi tó-siōng lia̍h. Koh ū, góa koh phah-sǹg húi-tiāu hit nn̄g-tè hn̂g, bián-tit in hoat-hiān hia ū ngó͘-kok, ín in put-sî lâi tó-siōng bán. Koh ū, thiah-tiāu góa ê liâu-á hām pò͘-phâng, bián-tit in khòaⁿ tio̍h jīm-hô ki-chū ê hûn-jiah, ín in chìn chi̍t-pō͘ chhōe tòa tī chia ê lâng.
Chiah-ê lóng sī góa tńg-chhù tē-it àm su-khó ê chú-tê. Hit-sî góa kui-sim chhiong-móa kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ, thâu-khak hîn kah puh-ian. Khó-kiàn, tùi hûi-hiám ê kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ, pí khòaⁿ tio̍h hûi-hiám pún-sin ke chi̍t-bān pōe. Só͘-í lán hoat-hiān, hoân-ló ê hū-tam tōa-tōa khah chē kòe lán só͘ hoân-ló ê bái tāi-chì. Koh-khah hāi ê sī, tī chit-ê hoân-ló tang-tiong, góa tit bē-tio̍h kòe-khì kō͘ thun-lún só͘ tit-tio̍h ê an-ùi. Góa jīn-ûi, ka-tī ná chhiūⁿ sī Saul, i m̄-nā bâi-oàn Philistine lâng kong-kek i, mā bâi-oàn Sîn pàng-sak i. In-ūi góa taⁿ bô kō͘ sek-tòng ê hong-sek lâi tiâu-chéng sim-thài, bô tī khùn-kéng hiòng Sîn ai-kiò, mā bô chhiūⁿ kòe-khì án-ne, sìn-nāi I ê chí-ì ūi góa thê-kiong pó-hō͘ hām kái-kiù. Ká-sú góa ū án-ne chò, tī chit-pái ê ì-gōa sū-kiāⁿ, siōng-bô góa ē khah khùiⁿ-oa̍h, hoān-sè mā ū khah tōa ê koat-sim tō͘-kòe.
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11.5 我 ê 跤無 hiah 大, 差袂少
Tī chiah-ê 思考, 驚惶, 和反省中間, 有一工我想著, 一切 chiah-ê 可能是我家己 ê 幻覺, 彼个跤印凡勢是我落船上岸 ê 時家己 ê 跤印. 這予我小可較輕鬆, tō 開始說服家己一切是我 ê 幻覺. 彼不過是我家己 ê 跤印, 毋是別人 ê. 既然我 ùi hia 上船, 當然 mā 有可能 ùi hia 落船. 仝款, 我 mā 無法度確定佗位我有踏過, 佗位無. 最後若確實這是我家己 ê 跤印, án-ne 我 tō 變成 kap hiah-ê 疑神疑鬼 ê 戇呆仝款, 嚇來嚇去, 嚇著家己.
今我開始 kā 膽掠定, koh 探向外口, 因為我已經三暝三日無出我 ê 城堡, 開始 teh 枵無 thang 食 ah, 厝內干焦賰一屑仔麥仔餅和水. 另外, 我 mā 知影, 羊母 mā 需要 jek 奶, 這一向是欲暗前我 ê 議量. 久無 jek 奶, 可憐 ê 羊母脹 kah 艱苦, 袂爽快. 確實, 這毋但拍損, mā 害姻停奶.
自 án-ne, 我鼓勵家己, 相信彼不過是我家己 ê 跤印, 是我予家己 ê 影嚇著, 我開始 koh 出門, 去我 ê 別莊, 去 jek 羊仔奶. 看我沿路心驚膽跳, 不時越頭看, 隨時準備放落籃仔逃命, 任何人 lóng 會想講, 我 ê 心內有鬼, a̍h 是最近受著上恐怖 ê 驚嚇; 這, 我確實是 án-ne.
不而過, 有兩三工我去 hia, 無看著啥, 我開始膽較在, tō 想講確實無啥貨, 不過是我家己 ê 想像. M̄-koh, 我無法度說服家己, 除非 koh 去海岸, 看彼个跤印, kō͘ 我 ê 跤 kā 量, 看是毋是會合, án-ne 才會當確定彼是我 ê 跤. M̄-koh, 等我來到彼所在, 首先我發現, 發落好我 ê 船, 我無可能 tī hia 上岸. 其次, 等我 kō͘ 跤量彼个跤印, 我發現, 我 ê 跤無 hiah 大, 差袂少. 這兩項代誌予我頭殼又閣烏白想, koh 予我頭眩目暗, 規身 phi̍h-phi̍h 顫 ná 得著寒熱仔. 我緊轉厝, 相信有人, 凡勢不止一个, bat tī hia 上岸. A̍h 是, 簡單講, 這个島有人蹛, 袂注意以前, 我可能 tō 會拄著意外. 我猶毋知著按怎保護家己 ê 安全.
Oh, 人 tī 驚惶當中所做 ê 決定有夠譀古! He 予 in 無法度使用理智提供 ê 救濟手段. 我 ê 第一 ê 想法是, 拆掉圍牆, 放生我 ê 頭牲仔入樹林, 免得敵人發現 in, 然後不時來島上掠. Koh 有, 我 koh 拍算毀掉彼兩塊園, 免得 in 發現 hia 有五穀, 引 in 不時來島上挽. Koh 有, 拆掉我 ê 寮仔和布篷, 免得 in 看著任何居住 ê 痕跡, 引 in 進一步揣蹛 tī chia ê 人.
Chiah-ê lóng 是我轉厝第一暗思考 ê 主題. 彼時我規心充滿驚惶, 頭殼眩 kah puh 煙. 可見, 對危險 ê 驚惶, 比看著危險本身加一萬倍. 所以咱發現, 煩惱 ê 負擔大大較濟過咱所煩惱 ê 䆀代誌. 閣較害 ê 是, tī 這个煩惱當中, 我得袂著過去 kō͘ 吞忍所得著 ê 安慰. 我認為, 家己 ná 像是 Saul, 伊毋但埋怨 Philistine 人攻擊伊, mā 埋怨神放捒伊. 因為我今無 kō͘ 適當 ê 方式來調整心態, 無 tī 困境向神哀叫, mā 無像過去 án-ne, 信賴伊 ê 旨意為我提供保護和解救. 假使我有 án-ne 做, tī 這擺 ê 意外事件, 上無我會較快活, 凡勢 mā 有較大 ê 決心度過.
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11.5
In the middle of these cogitations, apprehensions, and reflections, it came into my thoughts one day that all this might be a mere chimera of my own, and that this foot might be the print of my own foot, when I came on shore from my boat: this cheered me up a little, too, and I began to persuade myself it was all a delusion; that it was nothing else but my own foot; and why might I not come that way from the boat, as well as I was going that way to the boat? Again, I considered also that I could by no means tell for certain where I had trod, and where I had not; and that if, at last, this was only the print of my own foot, I had played the part of those fools who try to make stories of spectres and apparitions, and then are frightened at them more than anybody.
Now I began to take courage, and to peep abroad again, for I had not stirred out of my castle for three days and nights, so that I began to starve for provisions; for I had little or nothing within doors but some barley-cakes and water; then I knew that my goats wanted to be milked too, which usually was my evening diversion: and the poor creatures were in great pain and inconvenience for want of it; and, indeed, it almost spoiled some of them, and almost dried up their milk. /
Encouraging myself, therefore, with the belief that this was nothing but the print of one of my own feet, and that I might be truly said to start at my own shadow, I began to go abroad again, and went to my country house to milk my flock: but to see with what fear I went forward, how often I looked behind me, how I was ready every now and then to lay down my basket and run for my life, it would have made any one have thought I was haunted with an evil conscience, or that I had been lately most terribly frightened; and so, indeed, I had.
However, I went down thus two or three days, and having seen nothing, I began to be a little bolder, and to think there was really nothing in it but my own imagination; but I could not persuade myself fully of this till I should go down to the shore again, and see this print of a foot, and measure it by my own, and see if there was any similitude or fitness, that I might be assured it was my own foot: but when I came to the place, first, it appeared evidently to me, that when I laid up my boat I could not possibly be on shore anywhere thereabouts; secondly, when I came to measure the mark with my own foot, I found my foot not so large by a great deal. Both these things filled my head with new imaginations, and gave me the vapours again to the highest degree, so that I shook with cold like one in an ague; and I went home again, filled with the belief that some man or men had been on shore there; or, in short, that the island was inhabited, and I might be surprised before I was aware; and what course to take for my security I knew not.
Oh, what ridiculous resolutions men take when possessed with fear! It deprives them of the use of those means which reason offers for their relief. The first thing I proposed to myself was, to throw down my enclosures, and turn all my tame cattle wild into the woods, lest the enemy should find them, and then frequent the island in prospect of the same or the like booty: then the simple thing of digging up my two corn-fields, lest they should find such a grain there, and still be prompted to frequent the island: then to demolish my bower and tent, that they might not see any vestiges of habitation, and be prompted to look farther, in order to find out the persons inhabiting.
These were the subject of the first night’s cogitations after I was come home again, while the apprehensions which had so overrun my mind were fresh upon me, and my head was full of vapours. Thus, fear of danger is ten thousand times more terrifying than danger itself, when apparent to the eyes; and we find the burden of anxiety greater, by much, than the evil which we are anxious about: and what was worse than all this, I had not that relief in this trouble that from the resignation I used to practise I hoped to have. I looked, I thought, like Saul, who complained not only that the Philistines were upon him, but that God had forsaken him; for I did not now take due ways to compose my mind, by crying to God in my distress, and resting upon His providence, as I had done before, for my defence and deliverance; which, if I had done, I had at least been more cheerfully supported under this new surprise, and perhaps carried through it with more resolution.
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