8.3 Chi̍t-kang saⁿ-pái hiòng Sîn kî-tó
It-ti̍t kàu taⁿ, góa chiah ì-sek tio̍h, góa chit-chūn ê seng-oa̍h pí kòe-khì ke gōa-nī hēng-hok. Sui-bóng bo̍k-chêng ū chióng-chióng put-hēng, góa kòe-khì ê seng-oa̍h koh-khah sī siâ-ok, khó-hūn, siū chiù-chhàm. Góa taⁿ oân-choân kái-piàn tùi iu-siong hām khoài-lo̍k ê khòaⁿ-hoat, góa ê goān-bōng í-keng bô-kāng, kah-ì hām hèng-chhù mā kái-piàn ah. Hām tú-lâi hit-sî sio-pí, sīm-chì hām kòe-khì nn̄g-nî pí-kàu, góa í-keng tit-tio̍h choân-sin ê hoaⁿ-hí.
Í-chêng, góa sì-kè kiâⁿ ê sî, m̄-koán sī khì phah-la̍h a̍h thàm-cha khoân-kéng, chi̍t-ē siūⁿ tio̍h ka-tī ê chōng-hóng, góa ê lêng-hûn ê thòng-khó͘ tō hut-jiân po̍k-hoat; chi̍t-ē siūⁿ tio̍h tī chhiū-nâ, soaⁿ-me̍h hām soa-bo̍k tiong-kan, góa ná chhiūⁿ chi̍t-ê siû-hoān siū-tio̍h bâng-bâng tōa-hái ê éng-kiú koaiⁿ-kìm, tī chit-ê bô-lâng ê hong-iá, bô tit-kiù ê ki-hōe, góa ê sim tō sí tī thé-lāi. Sīm-chì tī góa siōng tìn-tēng ê sî-chūn, chit-chióng liām-thâu mā ē ná-chhiūⁿ po̍k-hong-hō͘ án-ne hoat-chok, hō͘ góa ngiú-chūn siang-chhiu, pàng-siaⁿ tōa-khàu, ná chhiūⁿ chi̍t-ê gín-á. Ū-sî, hoat-seng tī chò khang-khòe tiong-kan, góa tō kín chē lo̍h-lâi thó͘ tōa-khùi, sîn-sîn khòaⁿ thô͘-kha chi̍t/nn̄g tiám-cheng. Án-ne koh-khah hiau-hēng, in-ūi góa nā ē-tàng tōa-khàu a̍h sī iōng ōe-gí kóng chhut-lâi, tāi-chì tō ē kòe-khì, tháu-pàng liáu-āu pi-siong tō kiám-khin.
Tān-sī taⁿ, góa khai-sí kō͘ sin su-sióng toàn-liān ka-tī. Góa ta̍k-kang tha̍k Sîn ê ōe-gí, kō͘ he lâi an-ùi góa ê hiān-chōng. Ū chi̍t chá-khí, in-ūi siong-sim, góa hian-khui Sèng-keng, tha̍k tio̍h án-ne ê ōe,
"Góa éng-oán, éng-oán bē lī-khui lí, bē pàng-sak lí."
Chek-sî, góa kám-kak che ōe sī tùi góa kóng ê. Nā bô, ná ē tī góa kám-siong ka-tī hō͘ Sîn, hō͘ sè-kan pàng-sat ê sî, i kō͘ chit-chióng hong-sek chhut-hiān?
"Hó lah," góa kóng, "nā kóng Sîn bē pàng-sak góa, góa hō͘ sè-kan pàng-sak ná ū siáⁿ iàu-kín? ū siáⁿ koan-hē? Hoán tò-tńg lâi kóng, nā kóng sè-kan bô pàng-sat góa, tān-sī góa bô tit-tio̍h Sîn ê thiàⁿ-sioh hām pó-pì, ná ū pí che koh-khah tōa ê sún-sit ah?"
Ùi chit-chūn khai-sí, góa sim-lāi ū chi̍t-ê kiat-lūn, tī chit-chióng hông pàng-sak, ko͘-toaⁿ ê chōng-thài, góa ū khó-lêng pí seng-oa̍h tī sè-kài jīm-hô kî-thaⁿ só͘-chāi koh-khah hēng-hok. Kō͘ chit-chióng siūⁿ-hoat, góa tio̍h kám-siā Sîn kā góa chhōa lâi chit-ê só͘-chāi.
M̄-koh, chi̍t-ē siūⁿ tio̍h he, m̄-chai án-chóaⁿ, góa ê sim-koaⁿ chhoah chi̍t-tiô, soah m̄-káⁿ kóng chhut hit-kù ōe.
"Lí ná-ē piàn-chiâⁿ gūi-kun-chú ah," góa hoah chhut-siaⁿ, "ké-kúi kám-un chi̍t-ê chōng-hóng, he bô-lūn lí án-chóaⁿ kám-kak boán-chiok, kî-si̍t lí lêng-goān kui-sim kî-tó ùi hia tit-kiù?"
Chū án-ne, góa tiām khì. M̄-koh, sui-bóng góa bē-tàng kóng, góa kám-siā Sîn hō͘ góa lâi chia, tān-sī góa kám-siā Sîn kō͘ chióng-chióng chai-lān chiat-bôa góa, hō͘ góa ba̍k-chiu peh-kim, khòaⁿ tio̍h ka-tī kòe-khì ê seng-oa̍h, ūi ka-tī ê chōe-kò kám-kak pi-ai, chhàm-hóe. Múi-pái hian Sèng-keng, a̍h kā ha̍p khí-lâi, góa chóng-sī chin-sim kám-siā Sîn, sī I ín-tō góa tī Eng-kok ê pêng-iú, kā Sèng-keng chng-ji̍p góa ê hòe-bu̍t, sui-bóng góa bô kau-tài i án-ne chò. Góa mā kám-siā Sîn, sī I āu-lâi iū hia̍p-chō͘ góa ùi phòa-chûn kā Sèng-keng chah lo̍h-lâi.
Tī chit-chióng sim-chêng hā, góa chìn-ji̍p tē-saⁿ nî. Góa sui-jiân bô kā chit-nî ê khang-khòe chhiūⁿ tē-it nî án-ne chi̍t-kiāⁿ chi̍t-kiāⁿ kā tho̍k-chiá kóng, m̄-koh it-poaⁿ lâi-kóng, góa chin chió ū thêng-khùn ê sî-kan. Tùi múi-kang kai chò ê tāi-chì, góa lóng chiàu sî-kan chìn-hêng, seng-oa̍h kui-lu̍t. Pí-jû, tē 1, tēng sî-kan, chi̍t-kang saⁿ-pái hiòng Sîn kî-tó hām tha̍k Sèng-keng; tē 2, chah chhèng chhut-gōa chhōe chia̍h-mi̍h, nā bô lo̍h-hō͘, it-poaⁿ sī tī chá-khí chhut-khì saⁿ tiám-cheng; tē 3, chéng-lí, chhiat-khui, pó-chûn, a̍h chú-chia̍h góa phah-sí a̍h lia̍h-tio̍h ê niû-si̍t. Chiah-ê tāi-chì chiàm-iōng góa chi̍t-kang ê tōa pō͘-hūn sî-kan. Lēng-gōa, mā tio̍h khó-lī, tiong-tàu ê sî, ji̍t-thâu tī thiⁿ tiong-ng, sio-khì siuⁿ joa̍h, bô hoat-tō͘ chhut-mn̂g. Só͘-tì, góa ē-tàng chò khang-khòe ê sî-kan, chí-ū àm-sî sì tiám-cheng. M̄-koh, ū-sî, góa mā kái-piàn phah-la̍h hām chò khang-khòe ê sî-kan, chá-sî chò khang-khòe, ē-tàu chah chhèng chhut-gōa.
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8.3 一工三擺向神祈禱
一直到今, 我才意識著, 我這陣 ê 生活比過去加 gōa-nī 幸福. 雖罔目前有種種不幸, 我過去 ê 生活閣較是邪惡, 可恨, 受咒讖. 我今完全改變對憂傷和快樂 ê 看法, 我 ê 願望已經無仝, 佮意和興趣 mā 改變 ah. 和拄來彼時相比, 甚至和過去兩年比較, 我已經得著全新 ê 歡喜.
以前, 我四界行 ê 時, 毋管是去拍獵 a̍h 探查環境, 一下想著家己 ê 狀況, 我 ê 靈魂 ê 痛苦 tō 忽然爆發; 一下想著 tī 樹林, 山脈和沙漠中間, 我 ná 像一个囚犯受著茫茫大海 ê 永久關禁, tī 這个無人 ê 荒野, 無得救 ê 機會, 我 ê 心 tō 死 tī 體內. 甚至 tī 我上鎮定 ê 時陣, 這種念頭 mā 會 ná 像暴風雨 án-ne 發作, 予我扭捘雙手, 放聲大哭, ná 像一个囡仔. 有時, 發生 tī 做工課中間, 我 tō 緊坐落來吐大氣, 神神看塗跤一兩點鐘. Án-ne 閣較僥倖, 因為我若 ē-tàng 大哭 a̍h 是用話語講出來, 代誌 tō 會過去, 敨放了後悲傷 tō 減輕.
但是今, 我開始 kō͘ 新思想鍛鍊家己. 我逐工讀神 ê 話語, kō͘ 彼來安慰我 ê 現狀. 有一早起, 因為傷心, 我掀開聖經, 讀著 án-ne ê 話:
"我永遠, 永遠袂離開你, 袂放捒你."
即時, 我感覺這話是對我講 ê. 若無, 那會 tī 我感傷家己予神, 予世間放捒 ê 時, 伊 kō͘ 這種方式出現?
"好 lah," 我講, "若講神袂放捒我, 我予世間放捒那有啥要緊? 有啥關係? 反倒轉來講, 若講世間無放捒我, 但是我無得著神 ê 疼惜和保庇, 那有比這閣較大 ê 損失 ah?"
Ùi 這陣開始, 我心內有一个結論, tī 這種 hông 放捒, 孤單 ê 狀態, 我有可能比生活 tī 世界任何其他所在閣較幸福. Kō͘ 這種想法, 我著感謝神 kā 我 chhōa 來這个所在.
M̄-koh, 一下想著彼, 毋知按怎, 我 ê 心肝掣一趒, 煞毋敢講出彼句話.
"你那會變成偽君子 ah," 我喝出聲, "假鬼感恩一个狀況, he 無論你按怎感覺滿足, 其實你寧願規心祈禱 ùi hia 得救?"
自 án-ne, 我恬去. M̄-koh, 雖罔我 bē-tàng 講, 我感謝神予我來 chia, 但是我感謝神 kō͘ 種種災難折磨我, 予我目睭擘金, 看著家己過去 ê 生活, 為家己 ê 罪過感覺悲哀, 懺悔. 每擺掀聖經, a̍h kā 合起來, 我總是真心感謝神, 是伊引導我 tī 英國 ê 朋友, kā 聖經裝入我 ê 貨物, 雖罔我無交代伊 án-ne 做. 我 mā 感謝神, 是伊後來又協助我 ùi 破船 kā 聖經扎落來.
Tī 這種心情下, 我進入第三年. 我雖然無 kā 這年 ê 工課像第一年 án-ne 一件一件 kā 讀者講, m̄-koh 一般來講, 我真少有停睏 ê 時間. 對每工該做 ê 代誌, 我 lóng 照時間進行, 生活規律. 比如, 第 1, 定時間, 一工三擺向神祈禱和讀聖經; 第 2, 扎銃出外揣食物, 若無落雨, 一般是 tī 早起出去三點鐘; 第 3, 整理, 切開, 保存, a̍h 煮食我拍死 a̍h 掠著 ê 糧食. Chiah-ê 代誌佔用我一工 ê 大部份時間. 另外, mā 著考慮, 中晝 ê 時, 日頭 tī 天中央, 燒氣 siuⁿ 熱, 無法度出門. 所致, 我 ē-tàng 做工課 ê 時間, 只有暗時四點鐘. M̄-koh, 有時, 我 mā 改變拍獵和做工課 ê 時間, 早時做工課, 下晝扎銃出外.
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8.3
It was now that I began sensibly to feel how much more happy this life I now led was, with all its miserable circumstances, than the wicked, cursed, abominable life I led all the past part of my days; and now I changed both my sorrows and my joys; my very desires altered, my affections changed their gusts, and my delights were perfectly new from what they were at my first coming, or, indeed, for the two years past.
Before, as I walked about, either on my hunting or for viewing the country, the anguish of my soul at my condition would break out upon me on a sudden, and my very heart would die within me, to think of the woods, the mountains, the deserts I was in, and how I was a prisoner, locked up with the eternal bars and bolts of the ocean, in an uninhabited wilderness, without redemption. In the midst of the greatest composure of my mind, this would break out upon me like a storm, and make me wring my hands and weep like a child. Sometimes it would take me in the middle of my work, and I would immediately sit down and sigh, and look upon the ground for an hour or two together; and this was still worse to me, for if I could burst out into tears, or vent myself by words, it would go off, and the grief, having exhausted itself, would abate.
But now I began to exercise myself with new thoughts: I daily read the word of God, and applied all the comforts of it to my present state. One morning, being very sad, I opened the Bible upon these words,
“I will never, never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”
Immediately it occurred that these words were to me; why else should they be directed in such a manner, just at the moment when I was mourning over my condition, as one forsaken of God and man?
“Well, then,” said I, “if God does not forsake me, of what ill consequence can it be, or what matters it, though the world should all forsake me, seeing on the other hand, if I had all the world, and should lose the favour and blessing of God, there would be no comparison in the loss?”
From this moment I began to conclude in my mind that it was possible for me to be more happy in this forsaken, solitary condition than it was probable I should ever have been in any other particular state in the world; and with this thought I was going to give thanks to God for bringing me to this place. /
I know not what it was, but something shocked my mind at that thought, and I durst not speak the words.
“How canst thou become such a hypocrite,” said I, even audibly, “to pretend to be thankful for a condition which, however thou mayest endeavour to be contented with, thou wouldst rather pray heartily to be delivered from?”
So I stopped there; but though I could not say I thanked God for being there, yet I sincerely gave thanks to God for opening my eyes, by whatever afflicting providences, to see the former condition of my life, and to mourn for my wickedness, and repent. I never opened the Bible, or shut it, but my very soul within me blessed God for directing my friend in England, without any order of mine, to pack it up among my goods, and for assisting me afterwards to save it out of the wreck of the ship.
Thus, and in this disposition of mind, I began my third year; and though I have not given the reader the trouble of so particular an account of my works this year as the first, yet in general it may be observed that I was very seldom idle, but having regularly divided my time according to the several daily employments that were before me, such as: first, my duty to God, and the reading the Scriptures, which I constantly set apart some time for thrice every day; secondly, the going abroad with my gun for food, which generally took me up three hours in every morning, when it did not rain; thirdly, the ordering, cutting, preserving, and cooking what I had killed or caught for my supply; these took up great part of the day. Also, it is to be considered, that in the middle of the day, when the sun was in the zenith, the violence of the heat was too great to stir out; so that about four hours in the evening was all the time I could be supposed to work in, with this exception, that sometimes I changed my hours of hunting and working, and went to work in the morning, and abroad with my gun in the afternoon.
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